What has 'Haj' done to you?

after spending so much time ,money and effort what really the whole thing has done to you ? beside completing the Islamic pillars, does  it change anything ? it should be and supposed to change us in a lot of ways. I guess mostly it depends on how it started ; the first tick that started the whole journey.

after the Haj : at Madinah airport

Making little steps with the little ones

Today I have never been so proud of my students and colleague as they've taken some time off from their busy class schedules and spent with these under privileged kids. We invited about 20 kids in and around Shah Alam for a one-day problem solving workshop. there are maybe hundreds if not thousands of such kids around us that need a little coaching in their study but we never have the time to entertain. today albeit all the shortcomings we called up these kids and shared the little knowledge that we have so they might see their UPSR challenge a bit brighter. I asked them about UPSR earlier in the morning and they just did not  know what that really means to them. So that was the group we are dealing with today----not to say slow but under privileged as some are bright and happening but not into studying  that much. Most of the parents cannot afford the many tuitions held every where during this school break---not even at their own school. the urban poor as you might put it.  Alhamdulaillah everything went very smoothly; thanks to everyone involved.

the kids were excited as well

it's one-to-one coaching

blurr aje adik Aiman ni

some need extra help

Rahman trying to put some senses into it

okay let's do it again

relax atmosphere as we want it to be

but very attentive

let's do it together

I really don't have the idea....so kakak la buat

When things move.....

The rain drizzled as the call for fajr  filled  the misty clouds. This is Shah Alam among a few places in this modern part of the world where “ noises from the surau” is acceptable. This is our life and we will make sure out great great grandchildren would never ever forget this thing that we value most  for our spritual well being. But most importantly Shah Alam is our home  now; the place to go to end the day. My place is simple with  old and used furnitures we brought home from  England more than ten years ago but always refreshing and rejuvenating nevertheless. No one complains and I don’t see any need to replace any of them in the near future. So they will be there for many more sittings and chattings from us. Anyway, Shah Alam is busy again with students coming back for the new semester.  Had my first class yesterday and it was very good, I think. A small group of post graduate students doing  master’s in computer science. In the near future we will host only pg students here in Shah Alam when the other undergraduate programs move elsewhere. The issue of moving out is haunting me the first time it was mentioned in a meeting. The hassle for moving will be phenomenal; not that I against the idea altogether, but the challenge will be so huge I just don’t want to ponder upon it. Our CS programs will move to Jasin; locks,stocks and barrels. The Math programs will go to Seremban 3. The move is inevitable come 2014 when the place is ready. The news broke out into the faculty’s email  today and expected to be turned and twisted into something. May Allah have mercy on us. As the issue of amanah tugas pensyarah still hot and burning with SPBA hanging below the nose , this moving issue will haunt us even deeper into unbelievable mess. Personally, I think moving is good for this faculty just like our prophet moved from Mecca to Madinah for better Islam. It shows the dynamic nature of the things around us moving, changing and evolving. We can’t go against nature, it will happen with or without us. The same goes for our context as well. UiTM has to move and change for its survival to say the least. So let it be, maybe something good will come at the end of it we really don’t know. The main thing is where WE put ourselves in this fast moving lane. World will not stop moving  because we don’t move; but we have to start moving and put ourselves  in a  proper place.I am still thinking of what to say in the next departmental meeting. People will act and react. I strongly believe many will go against the idea, so maybe I just keep quiet.

The school holiday is coming up next week so that means my daughters are coming home. Hoooray! The house has been quiet for quite a while now. So it’s time to roast a chicken for kabsah rice. It’s not really a kabsah rice but my version that uses some of the kabsah spices. But it’s the best in the world, really.

Be good people....OK, so where is Jasin?

..and it's March already.......

As the new year celebrations are still hot in the air,the first day of the third month is already here. Even my new year’s resolutions are still in the making and two months have already gone. How the time fly so fast bypassing  your thoughts and actions. A lot of things have happened since my last entry so much so that I give up altogether putting them here. Let they remain in the memory for as long as the memory can serve me. Sometime we want some of the things to be forgotten after a while. Let bygone be a bygone. Computer memory on the othe hand is permanent in the sense that they will be there for as long as  facebook is there or google remains relevant; theoretically computer memory can last forever. So you see forgetfulness is sometime good for us as not everything we want  to last forever.

OK, life has been treating me fairly if not ideally. I feel good about myself and  my family. A lot of good things have been happening to us not to exclude the unfortunate circumstances. They are inevitable most of the time. I feel strong inside with my relation to Allah, Alhamdulillah, nothing else matters anymore because when things  get out of hands I would drop everything and go into my prayers to regain my inner peace and tranquility. They are not merely words to fill up my  thoughts anymore but my trusted life line to keep me going from a second to another second. I feel so great as if I just found Allah after so many years asking where is my God ? He is indeed very close to me all this while. The problem was I did not look properly, honestly and sincerely. I just followed whatever people say and do; without meaning and the true purpose of the actions. It is hard to formulate the path to Allah because everything  about it comes from within your inner most heart and soul. Although the Quran and Ahadeeth are there to guide, we sometimes lost in the middle of the journey due to out of focus and lack of purpose. We are confused most of the time and abandon the journey half way. My advice is to keep looking and  insyaAllah He will show the way. I have been trying  to change my working life ( the eight hours per day  at the office) to be within my spiritual perspectives but it is a constant challenge. The meetings are always dragged beyond the sound of azan, inter activities with people in the department are not always ‘clean and clear from bad intentions’, decisions sometime questionable, etc. Sometime I wish to stop all these and retreat to  a place where nature and divinity are part of the ecosystem. I guess early retirement is the right word. But that would be an eternity in my calendar.

Work is hectic, endless and just a massive load of craps. Not that I hate my job, to be fair to myself and everyone around me, but why should I have to put up a constant struggle to protect my feeling of liking this job? My job is to run a small department  within a faculty; a simple one ,you might say. And it should be simple and enjoyable stuff, but in reality it’s far beyond that.  I am on leave for the past few days to catch up a brief break before the start of new semester next week; but the work keeps coming through the phone, the internet and today I ended  up in a meeting room talking about work some more. I don’t mind to come over because I love my work but then that will breach my pledge to give myself a break. That kind of conflicting actions that challenge my true purpose of working.

Boring, isn’t it? Well that’s my life, hope yours is a lot better than mine. But whatever it is, find your way to Allah because everything else won’t matter. Good luck.

New Dean, Old Dilemma

Today, Friday the 6th of January, 2012, has seen the first meeting with our new Dean. Everyone seemed excited and was looking forward to this inaugural meeting...and no one was late. I was excited myself to see how our new Dean plan to bring new changes to the faculty. It’s typical I guess to have someone like me expecting something out of ordinary from our new boss...to bring some kind of miracles and change things. But isn’t that the last thing one should do in this circumstance...waiting and expecting. You cross your arms , bit your lips and  whisper to yourself....hmmmm.....let’s  see what she can do... as one of the staff members you would feel perfectly okay to do that . I mean nothing much will change if you think otherwise. But as a leader that will put you so isolated at the top and while sitting there alone you must have been hoping for God to grant you some kind of miracle as well. You want to get out of this misery. One miserable head and a bunch of  miserable staff will make a meeting very interesting. But that’s not what happened in my meeting this morning. It was alright I guess; jovial and refreshing. A bit of tensed moments here and there but that’s normal in decision-making. Nevertheless, I did feel the old dilemma still kept hitting my head over and over again. So what’s the dilemma? You know what, I don’t know myself how to spell it out; but there remained something unfinished and unfulfilled. The bright smiling face of our new Dean just could not convince me that there will be changes around here soon. I am tired of hearing that the fund has dried out and we could not do this and that. The same old excuses for the same old applications for student’s activities. The same old fear for the same old “new policy in the faculty”. I was not happy because I saw the same old stressful future ahead of me. It’s like  a dark and frightening road to my grandma’s. I always feared that and the 15-minute walk seemed like an eternity. I thought I would never have to go through that old road again; but here it is again right in front of me.

Meeting is always a stressful exercise, and if it is dealt with so seriously, it will be so deadly stressful. Deadly stress is not good for an old man like me. I was looking for something  cheerful and colorful for a Friday morning but sadly I hit a big white and blank concrete wall. I just did not know what to do with it. Maybe I am being too paranoid for some thing trivial. There must be a solution to this dilemma..and as someone said..if you can’t find a  solution then YOU must be the problem... you know what—I hate that expression. If you can’t work it out then blame yourself....this pitiful self-torture has to go; it is nothing but irreponsible authority keeping its hands clean. Would you say this to your child : if you fail than have yourself to blame not me or anybody else! Maybe you find it okay but I think it is a bit unfair---I found a sense of loneliness in there as if  I were sent to a solitary confinement—to rot and die.

There is a lot of work to do  in this faculty; things  to keep the faculty afloat againt the high tides of today’s demands ; publish or perish (an inherited shit from the US), globalisation, world class ranking, research university, and some other things that I don’t want  you to puke over it. The amount of work that will not make you see the end of the day....it’s just endlessly tiring. One semester after another, one year after another and soon you will find yourself lying helplessly at the end of your journey in life. Before that inevitability, I want to see myself as a small solution in the big problem. It does not matter how big the problem is; i jus wanna be  a small insignificant solution. So help me God.

Biarlah.....aku ingin menangis

Di bawah dentuman bunga api

Di celah kesesakan kenderaan malam

Dalam kebengitan pesta tahun baru

Aku terdampar menagih satu kepastian

Tentang keimanan dan kelalaian

Tentang nikmat dan kesyukuran

Tentang haq dan kebathilan

Tentang dosa dan kesombongan insan

Dentuman memecah hening iman

Mengajak insan terus berleka

Jauhnya hari perhitungan

Kerna esok baru bermula

Tahun baru, semangat baru, serba baru

Lupa akan dosa dosa semalam

Hilang bersama kepulan kepulan bunga api

Harus kah aku berbangga

Dengan harapan dan resolusi ruapan

Dari budaya yang meracun akidah

Ku ingin lari ke gua Hira’

Bersama Muhammad dan tangisan hatinya

Merenung dan meratapi umat yang lalai

Ku ingin menangis bersama Rasulku

Mengenang umatnya yang tersimpang jauh

Dari keampunan dan kesucian nurani

Biarlah aku menangis

Dalam qiam dan sujud

Memohon sekelumit ihsan dari yang Esa

Agar hidayah kan terus mencurah

Dan keredhaan yang diimpikan

Ku ingin terus menangis

Dalam  dakapan malam nan indah

Bersama zikir dan doa munajat

Menambat hati dalam rindu Ilahi

Menanti Fajar dan sinaran keimanan

Biarlah...aku ingin menangis

1 Januari 2012

Shah Alam 

Selangor