I wonder ...

This week marks the end of October; thus, the beginning of year end. It has been quiet at home with most of my children are away at their school and universities. Life moves very fast with one thing led to another and before you know it you are at the end of it already.  What else is there for you to do? Am I waiting for something? Are you waiting for something in your life? At 48, I have little options. The waiting game is so agonizing, it builds up your stress and makes you “demam” at the end of the day.

Now everyday has been a complex array of decision making process. Sometimes I see it as an opportunity or “ a power bestowed upon me” to make people go or stay; but at the end of the day, when the dust settled and the ego resided, it is just another burden that I will carry with me for the rest of the time. When that happened, the feeling of unfairness  creeps in. It is just not fair and not worth it to play around with people’s life and their future. Paper work is easy and data with figures and all can mean a lot of things. But when you need to translate that into human capitol things will become complicated. But I guess life is like that and my life has been like that all along. One big mess that I have always found myself to be in and trying to get out. I know I am not a risk taker---just found out that I could not jump into the bloody pool in a water confident training test---but somehow exposed myself to it all the time. The good part is –I always find a way to get out and survived. Tadaaaaa!

The point is-- this management job has opened up a whole new world that is both interesting and risky. Sometime it is interesting but at the same time it is risky business. I am afraid I just could not handle the risky part---well so far I still can alhamdulillah. A lot of paperwork came to my desk today; mainly they need to be read and commented. Those documents represent performance of people struggling to make something good out of life. I used to be one of them. Those were the days that have remained close to my heart for good time and bad time. The time I struggled to get a PhD.  I understand them all too well ; the reasons and justifications of things that happened. Some are doing okay with a few having troubles here and there. Put down my comments (my sincere comments) and hope they will be understood and taken action upon.

At the end of the day you just could not help to get down on prayers and ask God if this is it in life that He wants me to do? To manage people so  that they can have a better life. To be blamed for things that are out of your control. To endure the pains so that things will not go wrong. To be the face that people spit on because they hate your guts. Can the tears wipe my soul clean?

I wonder …..