Signing in from my new office

The world does not have to know but I do have a new office now and loads of unbearable tasks and responsibilities. Assumed a position as a Coordinator in InED (Institute of Education Development)---the place where people take long distant learning, night classes and franchised programs. I am into that franchised programs at the private colleges around the country. This new office is nothing fancy at Intekma Resort but being with new colleague and new environment is quite fascinating. Not sure whether my appointment here is a good thing or a “cold storage” deal. But I have started to feel as cold as the Siberian weather. You know when people are not keen of you too much they have a habit to send you off to a far far away land so you don’t bother them anymore. And this place is quite far away from the faculty. But I’m gonna be positive and happy with this new place.

I will be looking after the programs from my faculty running in three private colleges : Kolej YPM KL, Institut Baitul Mal and Unikop. The total number of students is less than 100 so I am OK as it is quite manageable. However, in addition to that I also have to monitor subjects from FSKM ( my faculty) taken by all programs in all franchised colleges……that really sucks because they have already given me a headache. They are scattered all over the country and have all sort of problems; and the most serious one is a high failing rate. Most Math subjects are potential trouble makers. But work in this position is mainly administrative---meaning, you have to smile a lot and know how to play politics. Nothing technical, so it is quite daunting. I guess it is time to dust off the bow and sharpen the arrows as the hunting season is about to start. Have you ever been hunting? Neither am I but I went fishing sometime ago, it’s the same thing. Going into this new post is like going hunting or fishing, at the end of the day what counts is how many birds have you got in the basket. At the end of the day can you deliver or not? Can you do the job or not?

Sometime we don’t know what are we supposed to do ( due to whatever reasons…) and that leads to in competency and unreliability. That’s not fair because most of the time it is not our fault, but one has to be aware of this thing and see when it is coming. So this few weeks would be my time to reopen my old chest box , flip through the age-old manual and see if I could pull a rabbit out of the hat once again.

But the sad thing is to be pinned to the desk from 8-5 again. That’s the curse that comes with this package and I am not used to it. Still struggling like a “ cacing kepanasan”.Been thinking of all sort of excuses to get out… but again, for what? I think by now I know how to be a good “servant”---truthful to your duties and serve your subjects well. Anyway, let me settle down, know my office mates and what have they. I will join their Jamuan Raya later this week , bring over my wife’s signature dish---nasi dagang and see if I can fit in or not.

Melakar Destinasi Cinta

Lahirku
Dalam dakapan cinta
Dari dua insan
Yang saling bercinta…mak dan ayah
Biarpun perit dengan hidup
Biarpun pahit mengunyah masa
Walau tanpa kata dan ucap
Cinta tetap ku rasa
Menusuk hati dan jiwa
Melakar tinggi bak mentari senja

Hidupku
Dicabar dengan cinta
Menagih dan merintih
Dari insan yang penuh luhur
punya hati yang bercahaya
Cuma untuk bekalan
Bila sunyi datang menyapa
Pada hujung malam
Buat teman bermimpi
Untuk hari esok…yang penuh dengan janji-janji
Tapi buatku….cinta hanyalah tipudaya
Merobek segala harapan


Hidupku
Masih dilindungiNya
Untuk terus bercinta
Dengan isteri dan anak2
Yang mengajar sabanhari
Akan erti cinta
Akan kata cinta
Akan ucap cinta
Indah sungguh anugerah Ilahi
Pada cinta dan yang dicintai
Megah tersangkut pada hati
Bak mata kail menagih mulut haruan
Makin disentap, makin merobek naluri

Hidupku
Sungguh bertuah, alhamdulillah
Dengan cinta ini
Ku belai dengan kasih
Ku usap dengan sayang
Inilah hartaku, dunia dan akhirat
Tiada lagi yang lain
Kan ku genggam bara cinta ini
Biar sekali ia membakar

Ku siram cinta ini
Dengan airmata
Pada malam-malam yang sunyi
Dalam sujud dan qiam
Agar dilindungi oleh Nya
Adakah cinta ku sama dgn cinta para rasul
Adakah cinta ku sama dengan cinta para sahabah
………para solehin wal muqorrobeen
Adakah cinta ku layak di persada jannah Mu
…sebagai cinta orang yang soleh

Ya Rabb
Suburkanlah cinta ini dengan iman dan taqwa
Lindungilah cinta ini dari kekufuran
Redhakanlah cinta ini untuk syurga mu
……almakwa wal Firdausi
Agar dapat kami bercinta …
Untuk selamanya
perkenankanlah
Ya rabbul masyriQain wa rabbul maGhribain

The Merdeka Minds

Our forefathers fought and died in the war so we can live as a proud and free nation today. Every time I tried to put myself in their shoes, I will get goose-bumps, a chill in my bones. But that was the reality of life back then. They could have to let it go and enjoyed the “cooperation” with the foreign bastards; some did and some did not. I will celebrate the day for those who did not; like Tok Janggut. He was labeled terrorist by the Bastards, hunted down and hung upside down in Kota Bharu for everyone to see. No record of protest was ever mentioned by anyone during that time; thus he was truly believed by all as a terrorist and deserved to die. Maybe people were too weak to show any protest. We believed the Bastards and our coward leaders trusted the Bastards as they drove the brutal Japanese out of Malaya. And that was how we gained the freedom by sucking up to the Bastards. Freedom washed up to our shore so cheaply. The blood of our forefathers was tolerated in a negotiation in London. Are we truly free from the Bastards? We never wanted to ask that question because we are afraid of the answer. Our mind, our action even our life in one way or another are chained to the Bastards. If I were to live back then I would hopefully be one of the fighters, running around with parang or golok to chase the Bastards away from my kampong. But I was born after the war and all I could ask is why didn’t we fuck the war with the Bastards? WHY? History is there for us to learn and take lesson; not to suck on it for reasons to be contented. For some war is a crime; but if you look at it again, war is the implementation of your struggle (pengisian satu perjuangan). So if you never struggle for anything then war seems to be so far off; just like a man born on a silver plate will never understand a struggle to fight hunger or poverty. My father told me that when the Japs landed at Pantai Sabak and traveled the dusty road by their bicycles through the kampong ; he and his friends would cheered them like we cheered the LTDLangkawi race teams coming through our towns. The difference is that the same Japs would comeback and brutalized his kampong later on. All the horror stories during the war that we heard came to reality. He was in tears when recalling all those times to show his deep sense of fear and agony. The struggle of Tok Janggut was genuine but the Bastards painted it otherwise. When I passed the place where Tok Janggut was hung upside down near Masjid Muhammadi, my mind would stop thinking to let my body feel the whole scenario. The ignorance. The fear. The showcase of death. The Bastards. And the Suckers who fed the Bastards.

It was the time our people searched for their dignity, pride and values. I am not sure whether we really have got it or not but we are consistently being labeled as a lazy race who prefers to “negotiate” our ways instead of fighting for what is right to us. The minds are still “chained up” with bitter memories of the past and has slowed down our pace. Freedom is to let go the chains and be the one race that defines itself. For better or worst.


Happy Merdeka Day folks!

Bizarre Teaching

Some teachers would do anything, weird or otherwise, just to get the message across. The young ones especially often lack in confidence that he/she is in charge in the class and everyone must listen to him/her. This brings out some bizarre way of teaching which sometime unbelievable. Maybe some of us can relate to this as we also might have gone through it during our schooling days. And that’s some 30 over years ago; but believe it or not the same method still exists today. Why do you think that students behave strangely stubborn or brutal? towards their friends or even teachers?....because some teachers still believe in canes and canings. this is largely happening in sekolah agama/maahad tahfiz. Never underestimate the school whenever you drop off your sons/daughters to experience such learning. During my primary school; way back in standard 2 or 3, I had an English teacher and he was really an ass. I think he’s from Penang so you know how he should look like. He would come in and taught us some strange language that we could never relate with. We all tried of course, just to avoid his “pelempang”. He would stick his tongue out like a dog and spank us like a fly on your dirty dinner table. And “us” meant the boys who pronounced the Queen’s word of English as one of the Kelantan’s; and that included yours truly of course. I could smell his perfume and would get traumatic all over again whenever I sensed it today. I don’t know the brand name but I still could recognize the smell. See how sad the impact can be on a child? He could rot for all the rats, and see if I care! For the girls, he would be gentle and soft….well that’s understandable but for this teacher he would go a step further and called up those who were “weak” to his desk. He gave personal lesson while his hand went up and down caressing the girls’ behind in front of the class, right there and then. We did not know it was wrong…because teachers are always right, right! Duh!

Anyway, when I started teaching at ITM, bizarre teaching surfaced every now and then. I went by a class one time and saw some of the students standing on the chairs and some on the tables. Can you imagine a 20-year-old standing on a table? He could reach the ceiling. I mean, was that some kind of punishment? For what? They were old enough to have their own kid and you asked them to stand on a table. Unbelievable. Another one would ask his student to bring “satu bungkus nasi lemak” for him every time during the class. And he would eat it in front of the class. I saw him and could not believe my eyes. He is now a popular Prof on Era FM.

I have my own thing during my early days of teaching which I feel so bad whenever I remember it. In one class I announced a pop quiz. Please take out a piece of paper and don’t move your head around. The question was : draw me. Yes I asked my students to draw me. Now what in the world learning has to do with that? But they all did it alright with some odd shapes and sizes. I even put them up in a notice board for the selected ones. That was really a useless piece of teaching crap.

So remember teachers out there….do have fun teaching but at the same time teach your students something! Something useful for their future..their life.

20 years with UiTM

Today I celebrated my 20 years with UiTM…without candles or cake; just me with my thoughts. It does not matter really, what is there to celebrate anyway just 20 years of your life. I am sure none of my colleague is aware that I have been there for such a long time. But for me it is a big deal. I am proud of myself for being here and make myself useful. I have done something for other people, teaching and stuff. I feel good at that for myself.

Looking back when I was fooling around in KL finding teaching jobs here and there, I remember filling up the application form for a teaching position at UiTM(formerly known as ITM). Back then teaching in ITM was not highly sought after. The pay was so ridiculously low and you would risk yourself being sent away to the place where civilization was unheard of. Like Dungun, in Terengganu. Are you ready to go to Dungun? they asked me, we have one opening there in computer science. I said, why not?! So naïve despite the fact that I have no idea where in the world is Dungun. So I rented a taxi to go there with all of my stuff. It cost me rm250 to reach there. With the endless stories from the taxi driver, the ride was not as boring as I expected. I could not remember how I put up for that first night in Dungun but ended up sharing a rented house with a gay man. I mean this guy was really gay; later I found out he has a boyfriend and went off to see him every so often. He never came on me; thank god for that, maybe I was not his type. But life in Dungun back then was very simple and quiet ( another way of saying that it’s damn boring and out of reach from civilization) but I don’t have a heart to say that because deep down inside I liked it there. Maybe I’m a boring person, I got that from some people. But for me the place was easy to connect with because when things got so bad on you , just head to the beach, sit down and let the wind blow your problems away.

UiTM Dungun was also as primitive as the town itself. I mean a remote cawangan of a big institution should not be left out like that; but sadly that was the case. We had to lined up at 8 in the morning to print a quiz or handout for the day’s class. Can you imagine only one printer for the staff to use? Well that was 20 years ago, yep you right must put yourself in the right time frame. Now we have a printer for every lecturer---a laser printer that is. But somehow I managed. At one point in a computing class, I brought a bunch of computer games floppy disks and made the class free so everyone can grab a game and has a feel of utilizing computer. No one interested and left me standing alone in that lab, shocked. I mean I would do anything to blast an enemy in that shooting arcade but no one here really cared, so unbelievable.

In another class, a programming subject, I expected a work done before hand. A simple programming assignment that you have to do before coming to the class, and no one had put an effort to do it. I was so furious. “Get OUT”, I yelled at the top of my voice, sending everyone home. I had never done that before but that day I was holding my last straw. I just could not tolerate such irresponsible behavior. Soon after I received a show cause letter to explain the incident. The students claimed I used a foul language in the class. They heard me saying “Get the Fuck OUT”. So I replied the letter and explained to the boss what had happened. I learnt the lesson not to be “over”- enthusiastic in teaching. You do whatever you are asked to do, within the time given, according to the syllabus and that’s it. Just leave the “ mendidik anak bangsa” crap at the motivation camp that you attended every now and then. Looking at those times, teaching for me is not for the students or other people, it is mainly for myself. I teach others so I can learn more and understand better.

One day I scrambled for a ride home to Pasir Mas. Since I hadn’t had my own wheels, I had to compete with students for the bus, and not many buses are coming through Dungun during those days. Students were going home for the Deepavali break but I was going home to get married. I made a quick stop at the ATM machine and withdrawn my gaji which will be the mas kahwin. My family was stunned, “mu nak nikoh guano gak kito mano ada pitih?” (how are you gonna get married? We don’t have the money…” my mum said. I gave them 200 ringgit. And truly enough that was the money spent for my wedding plus that some gaji for the mas kahwin. Borrowed a baju Melayu and songkok from my brother, put on my sneakers and off I went to the ceremony. It was at night so no one should notice anything. My brother bought some kueh with that 200 ringgit and served the rombongan that came over that night. I wanted it to be simple and it did not intimidate my joy and pride for being a married man at all. But the rombongan was not happy as expected. I am okay with that. People talked and said nasty things but it did not bother me at all because I was the one getting married and that’s all I could afford. So my married life began. The bitter sweet memories for the last 20 over years with my own family have also helped me to remain in UiTM and to wade through the challenges.

One thing about my colleague in Dungun was that they gave you space for you to draw your own path and destiny. I learnt a lot from them about all the nuts and bolts in this line of work. How to build your life along the career line so you can enjoy both of them effortlessly. I held many posts there but never complained of anything; I guess as a young man any shortcoming is seen as a challenge to face---so shut up and face like a man. I also am trying to remember if I made any enemy for all the years I was there; just could not figure out if any at all. Amazing isn’t it. But that was the life we had in Dungun. So pure, so human. The kampong folks around Dungun also lived a simple life. We could see people sitting together under the shade in between the coconut trees to escape the afternoon sun; as if waiting for something. Maybe nothing. In late afternoon we would not miss going to the beach and bought some fish from the sampan. They sold by the scoop; 1-2 ringgit per scoop( a five-liter cooking oil bottle). Not a particular type of fish but mixed/unsorted lot. And actually that was what they eat at the dinner table—the fish fresh from the ocean; can you get more original than that? I’m very grateful to have the opportunity to live as such. But now we could no longer see such sampan coming offshore with boatful of fish. They have stalls now along the beach selling the fish and all sort of seafood…with a much higher price. I will stop by every now and then on my way back to Shah Alam for that fresh fish, crabs and big squids whenever they are in season.

The first five years was the time I started to build my family as well as my career. It was not easy but you learnt the lesson along the way. My first car was a Nissan Sunny. I paid an insurance with it that was never there—the policy had never arrived. So I drove that car back and forth for a year with no cover whatsoever. I did not realize it until one day I hit a bunch of buffaloes. The car was a wreck and I tried to make a claim. How could people cheat like that? Unfortunately the broker was my own colleague. So sad come to think of it. In UiTM, I was doing the regular stuff during that time---teaching and a lot of training beside some occasional admin duties. I started one big research back then about SME in Terengganu. This research had set me apart and given me a chance to win a scholarship to the UK.

I left My Heart In Trolak

I received the letter with a heavy heart
The word “team building” was written so boldly
Like a decree from the heavens
Sending you to hell
hate team-building, my little heart told me
had been through it so many times
just too old for that now
so I searched for reasons
like many of us ….reasons not to come
nothing there, as if I was looking for a cookie in an empty jar
finally gave up and turned in the reply
I ticked “hadir” and looked away
As if I’d regret it later on

I am now glad I came
Saw old faces with new smiles
Old jokes with new laughs
Battered soul rejuvenated
And …
I saw new faces…intimidatingly young and energetic
Vibrant and dynamic
Fragile and naïve
Made me forget
How long I’ve lived this life
For another day… I am me again
Fresh and free
Unleashed……from the sacred wall of authority
We share the same laughter
Hallowing at the stupid jokes again
Life seems easy and fun

The horse-shoe line we made that night
Made me feel so guilty
For stepping over my elder brothers and sisters
For whatever reasons
In whatever circumstances
The invisible hierarchy of hope and respect
I will remember that …..

I wish the night would not end
So I could see the brilliant smiles again
Hear that big laughter once more
Or make that sound of chicken, cow & cats again



Do I have to go back ?
To the papers, reports and documents
to the never-ending miseries
Facing the monsters and the dragons…
The lions and the tigers …..
It’s not fair, isn’t it?
But life is never fair ….
The memory of this night
Would make me fresh and warm again
For a promise of better days ahead ….

So I left my heart there …
As a reason that someday
I’d go back and pick up
All the memories and the laughter
And smile one more time …….


Marilah kita merungkai segala yang kusut
Menjernih minda yang malap
Mereda hati yang gusar
Membetul niat dan rasa
Agar hari dan masa
Diberkati dan direstui olehNya………


8231 Ixora4
Felda Residence Trolak
27 June 2010