When the fcuk-off letter is here

Today I was officially given the letter “ Ucapan Penghargaan dan Terima kasih” ( aka the fcuk-off letter) that will end my brief tenure at this place called InED. I have no regret just disappointment for this brief period of my long career path holds a contrasting perspective of life and work; humanity and responsibility. When I came to this place less than a year ago, I was overly excited as I thought it could get me to know the world. Usually the work involves visiting the many franchised colleges that run UiTM’s programs; and they are all over Malaysia. Hoping for sunshine to last till the evening but the rain came in the afternoon (ku harap panas hingga kepetang tapi rupanya hujan di tengahari….). something like that. Actually I was not expecting much in the first place but once you got into it you would like to give it the best and as a human you expect nothing less in return. I think I have to work on that a bit more--- the part to expect something in return because this is usually where the pain begins; people don’t always give what you expect for sometime they have no ability to do so.

My career path is like a journey that I’m on. I saw this opportunity that I thought would take me somewhere in my journey so I grabbed it. It’s not going my way; I knew that for a fact but I embarked on it anyway only to know I was up for a bumpy ride. Let me put it another way; I was heading to KB; that was my aim and without any doubt I knew I would get there. For the moment there was no bus going to KB, so I have to wait for God knows when. A friend told me to get on this bus going to Kuantan and maybe from Kuantan there would be easier to find another bus going to KB. I guessed it was OK so I hopped on. Ironically I knew the driver, ok this is going to be a smooth ride after all. There were many passengers in the bus and I thought they were all going to Kuantan. As I went in to find a seat I realized many of them did not like the driver due to his reckless driving. Soon I found these people are a bunch of really nice people; caring and like to share their food with each other. They gossip the driver a lot though. I was quite comfortable sitting and chatting as I was accepted right away. I learned a lot from these people even though we met in this brief bumpy bus ride. Many of them are older than me so they treat me like their younger brother. I felt so honored to be working with these people ; but soon the bus will reach Kuantan and whether I like it or not my journey will end there. As we reach Kuantan the driver just kicked me out because he said I did not have the ticket and some other reasons that I did not understand myself. OK I am going just don’t push it. That what makes it so bitter, so fcuking bitter.

Back in the faculty the Dean asked me to hold a HOD position. For some reasons I can’t say no In UiTm a no is a big sin; as it means your refusal to accept responsibility to the university which is punishable by “ academic death”. You’re finished. So I said , let me think about it; and she said, OK but you must start now. That was about two weeks ago and I have been attending meetings and events without any formal appointment letter. It’s kind of hard because it’s like going to a battle without any weapon; what I can do is to avoid any attack and save my ass. As of now I have started to realize that this position is not a piece of pecan pie, soon my ass will burn. But the problem is why that letter has not arrive. The appointment is from Deputy VC office and it should be here now. I guess they must be waiting to see what the future will look like; will it turn yellow? Yellow means trouble and we don’t want trouble makers to hold any admin post, do we? What can I say? I do have an invitation to an event on the 9th in KL and out of respect to the hosts , I might dress yellow. It’s clean(bersih?) and beautiful. So let’s see what the future holds.

In the meantime I will keep this letter close to my heart as a reminder not to expect too much of anything. Do it as a good deed for the sake of Allah.

Beautiful things at the kampong

Coming home to your old kampong triggers old memories for the fact that you have been away for quite a while now and how far apart your life has been with the folks once to be your everyday pakciks and makciks. Life at the kampong is not only simple, we accept this as-the-matter-of-factly, but it represents the nature of humans as they live through the time. My kampong nowadays is a small town called Wakaf Bharu (although I come from Pasir Mas) about 15 mins from Kota Bahru. A close-knit community where everybody really knows everybody else—in fact they might even be related to each other. The folks started their day as early as 5 am when all sort of animal sounds would wake you up to the cold and breezy dawn. I could not even know the name of all those animals, well except for the cocks (I mean that male chicken), the crickets maybe or the birds. Some were strange sounds and even eerie like in the Dracula movies. But I was glad to wake up and wanted even to make my own wake up sound. The morning sky was still dark but folks were all up getting ready for the morning prayers, old and young walking or zooming with the motorbike to the mosque. It was dark because streetlights were scarce and you literally walk with your eyes closed; and everyone would find their own way through the darkness to the mosque. It’s the experience of my childhood that I recaptured and it seemed to be there all this time while I was away. Kampong folks especially in Kelantan are very religious; Islam is our day and night, we live and we die with it. It is as simple as that. I feel like to come back to this simple life one day. I guess that’s why most Kelantanese would come back after they retire, because if I were to call any place -- a heaven on earth, this would be the perfect one.

And you wonder why the city politicians could not conquer the hearts and the minds of Kelantan voters. The reason is obvious—they have no idea of what these people do at 5 o’clock in the morning. If they were, they would see an old woman clinging helplessly to a blind young girl walking through the darkness to the mosque. And that’s no fairy tale; it’s as real as the sky and the earth. I just could not believe my eyes when they walked by my side. As if the nation’s transformation program is only for the clever folks in KL where they talk about the sweet and the Brent’s, the hedge and the mergers, but never about us. We only have us to look after each other. As the matter of facts, Kelantan folks have survived with such mentalities for the last 20 over years when we vowed not to trust those clever politicians from KL anymore. We might not have streetlights but we do find hopes and sunshine in each other. Isn’t that what life is all about?

The sound of animals continues to embrace the morning sunshine. Everyone seems to retreat after the morning prayers and to let the able folks to put on the brave faces to fulfill the daunting modern life. I came home to visit my old mom; she seemed tired but healthy. The years of hard living can be clearly seen on her. She stumbled and fell every now and then but that’s normal for an old person she said. My heart crunched and crumbled when I heard that as if this one child has no ability to take care of his mom despite having degrees and all. You know we have tried that once, mom, and it did not work. You want to be at home where you feel free and comfortable. Do whatever you want and visit your friends whenever you feel lonely. I just want you to be happy and as of now you seem very happy.

I have an annex at my in-law’s where we stay during our visit and store our old stuff. The dusty shelves and furniture show that we have been away for quite a while. Although this is only home for the week I feel so blessed for this opportunity. I can’t wait for the next visit home which seems to be forever. Work ! Work! Work! Even during this break the phone hasn’t stopped ringing. About this and about that. Well, I should not complain, they pay me for that.

OK it’s time to go shopping. I need a new baju. Enjoy your break folks.

For Love or Lust?

Are you married for love or lust?....duh! how many times we have heard the question and still it looks like something good to ask. I am sure you all have your own answer to that but after 20 over years of marriage I would prefer to keep them both in my profile. Sometime I am in for love sometime it would be lust. Love and lust are like two characters in a movie; one is the good guy and the other is the bad guy. We love the good guy because he will get all smashed up but will eventually win over and lives happily ever after. The bad guy on the other hand will get all the chicks, done some nasty stuff and got killed at the end of it. I’d prefer to be the bad guy, not because I have been the good guy all my life and have seen nothing but heartache, but because it seems interesting and happening. Bad guys cast more character in the story line than the good guys. Love would give reasons when the bad things happened in marriage while lust would make it more colorful and interesting ( especially after 20 dreadful years). Love is like a sharp thingy that hooks to your heart; everytime someone tries to to pull it away from you, you would feel the pain...a real pain as the hook being ripped of your skin. One hook for you wife, one hook for each of your children and everyone that you love in life. This is real and you can feel it for yourself. That’s what love would do for you. Lust , on the other hand, is sex and everything else that would not be complete without such as lies, greed and being naughty. They are not necessarily bad but too much of it would damage your brain and your liver (that’s a joke apparently). But sex is something else we just can’t leave home without it; something that we need over and over again, amazing isn’t it? You would be tired of doing something over the years but not sex. Isn’t it wonderful to be alive and enjoy sex? Well you got the picture I am not going to turn this into an exotic entry but for us all to realize the magic of life that we all have tasted for so many years.

So people get married, divorced and remarried. That SY guy married his fourth and it was all over the paper like no one else has done it before. Big deal. Maybe sometime we feel intimidated by all these. Some men do feel intimidated and challenged their manhood. Nonetheless,I do feel annoyed sometime because this is my choice that I have made for my life. You want to do it go ahead just do not make a big fuss out of it. So now is the time people get married and do the khenduri---which I have so many to attend. I go to khenduri just because I have to, otherwise it is the last thing I would do. I hate it. I hate to eat at the same table with strangers, and you meet a lot of strangers in the khenduri. So you eat as fast as you can without enjoying the food just to shove it down the throat and done with it. Then when the host comes over, you would put a big smile and pretend you have the time of your life despite the miserable eating-with-strangers session. And the food seems to be the same everywhere, do they copy-and-paste the menu also? I mean who said all the khenduri have to have ayam masak merah, daging kicap, gulai sayur and acar timun. For whatever reasons I expect to see the same old food all over the place. I can’t imagine to spend thousands of ringgit for such khenduri so whenever I think of that I would slip a big tip into the host’s pocket to express my sorrow and compensate his effort. He must have done it because everyone does it but at the end of it he would be the one to bear all the costs. In Islam announcement of the marriage is necessary, the jamuan is not. Still thinking what to do when my time to do this khenduri is due....maybe in a few year’s time.

Is a pensyarah similar to a teacher?

When I was in a primary school my ambition was to be an assistant district officer (ADO) or a teacher. My parent was so cooped up with their nephew who was an ADO of Pasir Mas at that time and talked about it all day and night until I came to think that’s the coolest job on the planet. He went on to be the State Sec of Kelantan and recently being an ass to the ailing sultan. But when I found out the world is bigger than my hometown Pasir Mas, I let go the first intention and hang on to the second one until this day. Well, sort of….I end up to be a lecturer instead. I admired my teachers a lot because they were the most successful people closest to me. Although they beat me up and looked me down as a loser bum who could not even kick a ball, I admired them nonethelessly. That’s what a small child does to an adult no matter what happens. I was made to believe that I deserved all the bad things that happened to me. So naïve I went on to love and admire my teachers. So one of the reasons I wanted to be a teacher was that I can be good to my students and teach them the world without any prejudice or preoccupation. You are what you are just let me show you the way.

I practiced writing on the blackboard so that my writing would not go up and down but straight from one side to another. I wrote large letters so my future students could read properly. I practiced to speak loudly word by word so my future students could listen to me clearly. Just like a kid spending time playing doctor or soldier; I spent my time playing teachers. When it was about time for me to leave school I wondered why my teachers were mostly studied at a “maktab” and not a university. I didn’t want to go to a maktab, it sounded so dark and horrible. Maybe that’s why all the teachers were like that—unfriendly---because they came out of this dungeon. So I thought. Can I go to the university and still be a teacher? ---when I got the answer to that question, I had no doubt of what I would do for the next one thousand years.

Is a pensyarah similar to a teacher? The answer is no, it’s not similar. But since being a teacher is said to be noble and sacred, we tend to tag along and menumpang tuah of those teachers. When people celebrate the Teacher’s Day we close one eye and pretend to be one and be so proud for one brief moment. I am not sure whether it is a good thing or bad when I said our profession is not similar; but one thing for sure we are not the same. Maybe if I could make a list ,it would be as follows:

1. A teacher is much more closer to the students and responsible to nurture not only their academics but other aspect of a human needs such psychological, sociological, spiritual and physical.
2. Development of a child at different level of growth.
3. Students demand a very focused and specific learning experience to cater for their intelligence and skills.
4. Teachers claim a special social status in the community.
5. In order to execute all those tasks, teachers would require a special set of teaching skills that they can get from a maktab.

Pensyarah on the other hand may be fit into that list between 20-30% only. Mainly because we attend to the different group of students that require and demand different things altogether. All those small kids have grown into much more elegant adolescence who know what they want and what they hate. They seek fun all the time and come to the class only when there is absolutely positively nothing else to do. And they burn all our money in  cigarettes, BBQ ,weekend drifts and drags. And do you know what a pensyarah does to tackle these issues? Nothing. We have one Timbalan Dekan for student affairs in the faculty and we put all the blame on this poor guy. We lecture, put up some quizzes and tests, see what they have to say in a presentation and off you go. I guess we are not much of a help in that area----the teaching part----but we are also responsible for other academic endeavor such as research and publication which teachers do not focus. So is it good enough reason to justify our dissimilarity? Frankly speaking, I don’t really know how to answer that….maybe it is not that important.

work, homework and responsibility

The semester is about to finish, the diploma results have been endorsed and the results for my master’s classes have just been uploaded. That’s it--- done. I am happy about the results but not sure my students will like it though. All the thesis reports have been read, marked and returned. There are a couple of MQA reports to be finalized and ready for visit plus one set of KPT’s final exam questions needs to be tidied up. So I am almost there to enjoy a long break before the students come back in September. It’s more like looking at the long and wide par 5 fairway but still stuck at the tee box waiting for the guy to hit the ball. What a long wait, isn’t it?

But work seems to be endless, never finish. This one ends; another one will come in from nowhere. For some people they feel obliged to finish the job come rain or sun shine ; and the term “workaholic” has its owner. Yes the job is the trust mandated upon us but there is also a limit and boundary comes with the package that we sometime tend to overlook. Sometime the only next best thing to do is to drop the whole thing for once. Just drop it and go. Your office or your company will not go haywire without you. I pity some of the ladies as they are always the ones left in the office because the boss said she has been doing so well so keep up the good work and keep working. I remember my first few months of my career that I was doing doggy job for others and loved it. You felt so “useful” that nothing else seemed waste of time. For the first time when people put a trust on you to complete a certain task, no matter how trivial the job was, you would feel so good and so fulfilling that you did not want to go home. I could do this all day and all night. You would never feel exploited or anything of that kind; even when people tend to take advantage of you. So those were the days……

Everything comes down to responsibility. And being responsible or taking responsibility of things does not come to you easily, it has to be learned and practiced. This is what “the homework” that our little children take home from school is all about. They teach them how to be responsible; no matter how difficult or easy the homework might be. I have experienced this (and I believe we all have) from the beginning and now at the higher level of learning, the similar exercise exists but has never seem to get into their heads. You must finish your homework; and to do that you must understand the problem, you should find the way to do it and manage the time in doing it. So the simple task has made us learn a few things in life. The more you strive to finish your homework the more lesson will be learnt. And after every finished homework the teacher will give you more homework and you will get better and better at it. In the end you will be a responsible person and be successful in your career no matter what kind of job you are doing. If you look at someone who has not finish schooling or failed and given up school, they have no sense of time; late for everything and never feel to be punctual. Works would never be completed and they just left whenever they feel like. They have no sense of being responsible or anything.

Anyway, you guys are all successful now so you must have done something right, right? Of course, so be proud of yourself and teach your kids accordingly. Now go back to work and help the world be a better place to live.

Overcoming Stress in Your Exam

Many university or college students in Malaysia are having their exams in the next couple of weeks ;so the anxiety is running high. You may have read or listened to zillion of advice about the stress in an examination but many of you will put your thinking into a sleep mode just not to add more stress. I can’t blame you for that but you also need to realize how important to treat your stress properly as not to avoid the probable “black out” during the exam. If for any reason you want to quit reading this and go back to playing Farmville or whatever games you guys are into these days, then remember one thing---the more confident you have about the materials you have studied, the less stress you will be---so build more confident in you (and insyALlah) you will ace the exam.

The stress will get into you sooner or later; it is natural because man will become vulnerable for anticipating things of great uncertainties. The exam is one example of such uncertainties that our students have to face every now and then. Adult students will cope with this anxiety much better than their younger friends. I guess experience teaches us a lot how to relax and take the challenge of the exam more easily. Sometime students perspire until soaking wet, having a pounding headache all of the sudden, growling stomach ache, moving about excessively, smoking and jittering. Those are all the physical symptoms that we may have experienced right before the exam. My hands would be sweaty and my stomach would be twisted like twisting a wet towel---the pain was unbearable. But you know just let your body feel some of the stress; it’s natural because after a while it will be gone, only if you know how to control it. How to control it then? Well they are all originate from he top of your head---in your mind---so learn how to talk to your mind once in a while. Be positive. Get rid of the bad talk---“I don’t know it well enough---should have studied more---what if I freeze—I am dumb---no good---he is better than me—if I fail, I am worthless---it ‘s the end of the world”. How do you get rid of them? Well you can use a method that I developed some time ago called---method B (“B” for Belasah aje!). If you do fail, so what!—it is not the end of the world. Take my words okay, it is NOT the end of the world. You just failed that paper and not YOU as a person. Tell these things to yourself over and over again until you digest it whole-heartedly. Reduce the fear---don’t be afraid, just go for it---use method B remember!.

As the hour of your exam getting closer, your anxiety level increases and you become tense. So during the next 24 hours after you have finished studying, remember the following :

• Once you shut the book, you’re through. That’s it put a full stop and do something else.

• Go to bed early and let your body and mind rest.

• Get up in time for prayers, eat a light breakfast and prepare yourself. Don’t eat a heavy breakfast.

• Move and think calmly through out the day. Practice yourself to relax. Avoid loud music or irritating roommates.

• Don’t discuss your exam with anyone. You will feel “unprepared” and other negative thoughts will start to creep in.

• Don’t go too early to the exam hall. The hectic situation with people shuffling through notes and talking nonsense will produce more stress.

• Walk calmly and give your self enough time to arrive for the exam.

• Don’t think about the exam ; instead, think about the good things you will do after wards. Feel good about it and create a soothing ambience for yourself..

During the exam, acknowledge the fact that you probably won’t know all the answers. It sounds negative but will make you feel a lot better. To answer objective questions, you may ….

1. answer those questions you know first.

2. read the question carefully and answer on the basis of your first impression.

3. reread the question. Does your answer still seem correct?

4. Change an answer only if you are sure it is wrong and another right.

5. Watch for words like only, always , never.

6. Leave those questions you are not sure of and go on. Answering other questions will sometimes clarify ideas.

For the essay questions, you might want to …

1. Plan your time. Allow specified amount of time for answering each question and stick to this schedule.

2. Answer the questions you know first.

3. Read the question carefully. Express its meaning in your own words to make sure you understand all of its parts.

4. Outline your answer on a scratch paper so that you can organize your thoughts. Note key points, names and words.

5. Make your answers specific. Clarify by use of examples when possible.

6. Watch spelling, punctuation and format.

Above all take it easy and have fun in your exam. Leave it to fate; Allah will show the way. Good Luck.