Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Miserable End For 2008

My life could have been better; but it was not. Maybe I have been paying the sins of the past; life was quite wild back then. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise; but then I am not that optimistic. Maybe it is just a test from God…yeah…maybe, I am not that sure myself. But one thing I can pin point is that I suffered and my family was hurt. I don’t want to blame God or anyone for that matter. Life is full of uncertainties; and because of that we made wrong mistakes or took up unfavorable decisions. It was not easy; just go on living and hope for the best…whatever that means. Living is not easy to spell out, we must experience it to understand and comprehend all things that make up our life. Sometimes good thing turns bad in a matter of days. Happy moments becomes deep sense of disappointment within a split second. High hopes dashed by a single utterance. Anything can change. Anything. Whether we like it or not.


I started the year of 2008 with high expectations. Being made President of an alumni association, I had many many reformed agenda to change the association for the better. I created a platform and set a trend only to find out that they are the monsters that will suffocate me to a near death. I have been the victim of my own circumstances. I learnt the hard way between the thing you want to do, what you can do and what you can do better. Pick the one you know for sure. My reason was “ I love my alma mater so much I would do anything to help out”…..huhuhu…so na├»ve…you need more than that, a lot more. I planned for a retreat just collect myself and put my thinking together before I do anything else.

Then I changed my daughter’s school from Maahad Muhammadi in Kota Bharu to SMK Seksyen7, Shah Alam. The main reason was due to her health. Being so far away we could not properly monitor her health which has resulted her being ill without a proper health care. My wife and I decided to take her home. She has improved ever since. There was an Arabic class at her school so she enrolled and added another subject to her PMR. Everything went smoothly until she got her PMR result yesterday. 8As and 1B. Guess what the B is?..Bahasa Arab. For me she has done excellently. That extra B is the result of my own failure….my unforeseen mistake. And we all have to live with it. For not realizing that the new Arabic class was so new that they didn’t even know how to run it. There is only one student got A for Arabic in that class, 1 B and the others are God knows what. How could they make experiment out of my daughter’s future? Another misery!

I had some extra RM100K lying around in the accounts. Feeling so rich. The feeling that makes your head so big, your heart so warm and makes you walk like a rich man. Before long I bumped into a friend who needed some cash to open up a new business. Ahaah….that will make me richer……let the money work for you…invest!. I gave out RM50K as a loan. Then another friend came along to open up a primary school, without much thought I gave the other half as a loan as well. Education is a noble cause. The business is not doing well; as we all know the credit crunch in the US and Europe has affected our businesses in one way or another. Now I am RM100K less richer. Feeling so poor and stupid. I am not sure about my investment; I hope to see my money again….sob…sob…..soon

Then we had that dengue fever. A gruelling reminder that life is not yours. God can take it back anytime. Never to forget that.

Finally, on the 28th of December, my daughter Aqeelah went for PLKN..in Sarawak!. Of all the places why did she has to go so far away? I am mad to the government for doing this to me and my daughter. Has any of the menteri’s children gone for PLKN? I don’t think so!.











And so we say goodbye to 2008 !

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Two weddings and an exam

Today my dearest wife started her final exam. She is doing her PhD by coursework with INCIEF (a BNM training arm). My prayers are always for her to be calm and collected during the exam and she will come out of it with full success. I dropped her off at the exam center and headed to Sg Buloh for a khenduri. There were a lot of khenduri today; I don’t really know why today, maybe it is just a fine day to hold a reception. Even Mawi and Ekin got married this morning. Hmmm that bald and skinny guy from Felda Andak (I can’t remember, it sounds like that) has finally got married. All the best to Mawi…when are you coming out with a new album……asyik jalan makan angin aje! Anyway getting married makes people look complete. Is that why we got married? I wonder! So that people around us will feel better. Do we feel better? I do (in case you want me to answer that). But many of my friends got married and it did not work out…so tragic but as they say life has to go on. We just pick up the pieces and go on. The wedding at Sg Buloh was the son of our dearest secretary at the faculty. I arrived just about the same time as the rombongan pengantin got there. So the set up was a bit special with the kompang and all. The pengantin looked very handsome and pretty. I looked at them and smiled to myself for no apparent reason. I guess we all love beauty and beautiful things…and this young couple is definitely beautiful. The karaoke just stopped to make way for a ceremonial entry by the pengantin. I was sitting there trying to finish the nasi; it was quite good actually but the menu is always the same, I wonder again…is there a standard menu for khenduri.I went to this khenduri alone as my wife is sitting for her exam and my kids would not be interested to come. What a mistake ! never go alone to a khenduri and hoping to find your friends there. You would end up eating alone like a crazy lonely man. You really do! Believe me. Even if your friends were there ,they would be with their family or other friends and you would feel awkward among so many people. So what I did was, eat up and get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Never mind you did not have the time to enjoy the nasi; you will find it again in another khenduri. So that’s what I did ;made a dash out of there and went on to the second khenduri.

The next one was in Kajang. Hmmmmm….that’s a long way from Sg. Buloh. The question is …to go or not to go. I went along with the traffic as my mind looking for that answer. The time was almost 3pm and by the time you got there the nasi might be gone already. I reasoned with myself. But this one is a dear friend how could you stood up an invitation from a friend…..maybe he will not notice you…….by this time I was already passed Puchong and was about to hit the highway to Kajang. Before long I was stuck in a traffic in the middle of Kajang. Now what? I scrambled for the card looking for my way to the house. The map did not help much; just go and it must be somewhere around here. After a few u-turns I made it to the second khenduri. Walllaa……the same nasi; you see you come all the way across town and the menu is exactly the same. I ate up and made a quick dash out of there. But of course to show your face first so that to feel not too guilty for spending so much time driving and filling up the gas. So artificial, isn’t it? Ah well there goes my Saturday.

Friday, December 19, 2008

When your life is numbered by the platelet counts …



When Muslim all over the world celebrated the eidul adha, my family and I were fighting for our life. We were attacked by dengue and five of us including myself were hospitalized. I was hit the hardest with my platelet count was down to 9 (normal is 150++). It was painfully scary as the case was classified as fatal. In anytime my blood vessel could burst out and causes internal bleeding. So I was under ICU standby for the whole two days. Alhamd. Nothing bad happened. I hung on with prayers and hopes; and my body pulled it through until the WBC and the platelet count steadily increased. Funny when you are down with the fever; nothing matters except that you want to get better and be with your family and friends. I guess nothing else really matters….your high life, big career, cars, houses, positions or what not….you just never give them a thought when you were down and almost out. You would like to see your family and friends get in touch with you in case you would not make it this time. FYI, I survived the same ordeal last year about the same time. That’s the price we have to pay for moving to the big city such as Shah Alam. I guess now I know what Shah Alam is famous for : one big under-utilised National Stadium and another one is it is home to Dengue; sarang nyamuk Aedes. If not for pecah rumah, then the cerun runtuh otherwise dengue…..where else do we feel safe and sound for our little family.That’s life I guess…live it a day at a time and be thankful for all the things happened during that period of time.

My other family members : my wife and three of our children suffered high fever and were warded for a few days. I wish this tragic moment will not happen again. It was so hard for the children to cope even my wife and I were down to tears for being helpless and just could not do anything to ease the burden. We are thankful and proud of our second daughter Ifah who escaped the fever and at one time was the only one running around the ward taking care of the family. She is one strong lady. Very proud of her. We are also thankful to the neighbors who helped out during this difficult time. And family back home who held prayers for our recovery.

As death was just a-platelet-count away, your minds stormed with people and faces that you wish to see and meet for the last time. Maybe just to say that last word that you hold up for so many years. You flip through the faces as if looking at an album for people you come to know all these years. Suddenly you stop and mark a few faces as if you would come back to them later. What if there is no LATER ! Your life might stop right there and then…and there is no more later. When I realized how precious that extra time is I felt so small and vulnerable. I could not even control my own life…it’s not even mine.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

When Love was the only dose to survive ...

These are the emails that I sent and received from my family before and after the viva of my PhD. I returned to Malaysia at the end of the four-year study leave and went back for my viva a couple of months later.I treasure these emails because they captured the moments when I badly needed help and my family was there for me..when love was the only dose to survive .....

---- Forwarded Message ----
To: sam@essex.ac.uk
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 1999 12:30:15 PM
Subject: viva


Hello Dr. Steel,

I'm wondering if you have set up a date for my viva. I'd prefer it to
be end of September or early Oct as I would need as much time as
possible to settle my family here.
I'm having trouble accessing my email from Essex Univ. So at the moment
please contact me through this email.
Thank you.

nordin
---- Forwarded Message ----
From: Steel S W D
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 1999 4:08:45 PM
Subject: Re: viva


Hello

Your thesis has been sent to the external examiner, but no
date is yet fixed for the viva. Are there any times that are
especially good or bad for you?

Sam Steel
----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Steel S W D
Sent: Wednesday, October 6, 1999 11:56:00 PM
Subject: Re: viva


Hello

Yes, we have a date fixed. It is the earliest date
at which the internal and external were both free all day.
It is 2.00 on Monday 1 November 1999.

You should get a letter shortly confirming that.

Could you confirm that is OK?

Sam Steel

----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Saturday, October 30, 1999 7:10:27 PM
Subject: Message from essex


ASM Sayang,

How to send messages:

send the message to salwanan@yahoo.com Abah will log
in here and read it.



Alhamd. Abah arrived here around 6.20pm. Nothing much
happenning during the journey. The usual things...2
dinners and a few hot waters. No hassle just boring
because used to the kecoh-kecoh with the kids and all.
Got on the bus to Colchester around 9pm and arrived at
12am. Bro Mohd pick me up and stayed there for the
night. In the morning, strange thing happened.Abah
woke up at the usual time (The time when Fajr almot
bye-bye) and after solat put the trousers on and went
out to buy the paper at phil and jane.That 's what I
have been doing before every saturday morning.
Everything is happening subconciously as if I have
come back home from a vacation. Abah just couldn't
hold the tears, this place is not just any place. It
used to be our home. Abah walked down port lane,
passing by our house. The house is still empty and
gliberry keeps the red small gendang yang pecah tu kat
window. Abah stopped by Deby's place and met James,
David and Paul. They have a little sister now called
chelsea. As Abah walked around to phil's and back old
memories are coming back and I don't think it is a
good thing because I'm leaving in a week.

Called Tajul and he told about his problem with the
supervisor. Usual stuff. then go to the university to
study at the library.That's all for now.

Hugs and kisses from Abah to sayang,aqeelah, ifah, una
and maryam.

wassalam.

----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Sunday, October 31, 1999 2:46:30 PM
Subject: Re: Message from essex


dear darling,
i've just got back fr. work,solat & straight to the
computer(while feeding maryam)...good to hear fr.
you...wanted to write last nite but couldn't
access...things are ok here(so far)...we arrived fr.kb
yesterday about 3.30 p.m...we stopped at sek sains &
walked home...after that i rang syikin ,then we went
to itm(as usual,punch in then out)...after that ustaz
came to fix the timer...i rang ifah&una...they seemed
to be ok insya allah...ummi cooked soup(what else!)for
aqeelah...and that's it...today(sun)i went to work
with anita...finished my work...bersembang & came
back...that's it.
it's good kak long is here...at least ummi can eat &
solat...this morning i had to leave maryam crying in
the cot just to mandi b'coz kak long is still
sleeping!!!
enough report for the day...actually i've been waiting
for a call fr you...our phone still can't be used to
make any international call yet...
pls call before your viva
we're all praying for you...IA e/thing will be ok...IA
Allah will be with you...just concentrate to your
work...don't bother your mind w/ anything else at the
moment...remember the du'a as well as the one that i
wrote in that notebook in the red bag...
all the best ...hugs and kisses fr. all of us(mryam is
smiling on my lap now)
that's all


lots and lots of love from
ummi and the girls

----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Sunday, October 31, 1999 3:09:02 PM
Subject: first telecom


asmk darling,
just in case you need to top up cr w/ 1st tel,customer
service no is: 0800 376 6666 for mrs hassan tapi min
cr is 25 pounds...so rasanya better abah beli prepaid
card kat newsagent...around 10 pounds pun dah
boleh...rasanya kat phil and janpun ada...maybe kat
univ pun ada...just ask...toksahlah beli yg
byk...nanti tak habis pakai...beli yg paling sikit
boleh beli...that's alll.
i'll keep on writing.

love,
ummi

----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Monday, November 1, 1999 12:49:01 AM
Subject: miss you darling

asmkm dear,
after getting a phone call fr you i've been waiting for reconnection...tak
apalah...actually the phone rang just after i disconnected the internet...that's why
i asked you whether that's the 1st try or not ...so maybe if you had been trying to
call tak dpt...anyway after balik kerja ummi terus buka e-mail & terus reply your
msg...then dpt your call...lps tu tunggu tapi tak ada ummipun 'jenera' dgn
maryam...sambil dia 'minum ptg'...lagipun ummi agak penat,maklumlah 'bayar dam'
lagi...besok IA bayar satu lagi...
now it's 12.21a.m...ummi masih belum tidur(yalah tadi kan dah jenera)laagipun
darling2 berdua tu dah beradu bolehlah buat kerja sikit...kemas2 barang,buka
komp,dll. I think that'll be the routine...balik kerja ummi akan check e-mail sekali
dan malam ummi akan check sekali lagi...so abah rajin2lah baca(& of course balas)
so macamana prep... ummi & anak2 berdoa dari jauh dgn sepenuh hati semoga abah will
do well...we really pray that there'll be no correction...IA Allah will be with
you...pray to Him....after all those years i really want to be by your side at this
time...to give my strong support as usual...oh how i wish.....so pls
darling,whatever it is we want to be the 1st persons to know the result...i'm
praying for you day & night(I've been praying & will keep on praying...)
baca doa byk2...before masuk baca doa...compose yourself well...present yourself
well...be prepared & tawakkal to Allah...i believe you'll do well...i trust
you...ABAH BOLEH!
kak long has been asking so many questions about you...i printed the letter that you
wrote for her to read...and she enjoyed reading it....
that's all for now...maryam dah jaga...got to go darling
we miss you soooooooo much


love,hugs and kisses from ummi and the girls







----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Tuesday, November 2, 1999 6:58:43 AM
Subject: waiting


asmkm darling,
it's now early in the morning...around 6 am...maryam
woke up early,so i have to be awake as well...lagipun
need to get ready to go to work.
i've been waiting for the news from you till late last
night...didn't realize what time did i go to
bed...anyway i hope e/thing went on fine.

that's all for now dear,hope to hear fr you soon IA

hugs and kisses from
ummi and the princesses


----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Tuesday, November 2, 1999 8:54:12 PM
Subject: going back after all


ASM,

The viva was the hard one. The internal went on very
hard on me.I didn't expect that from him. I thought he
will be the nice guy. The external on the other hand
was very very nice. The verdict was ... pass with
revision.Alhamd I have passed. But this is the worst
kind of pass ;have no choice but to accept it. The
revision should take no longer than a year.

After thinking about the whole thing, I think I'm
going back after all. I could do the revision in
Dungun and communicate with Jeff thru email and post.
Abah just couldn't live like this. I miss you all the
time. Just couldn't live without you. Its true and
Abah just couldn't take it anymore. I will leave on
Sunday InsyaAllah if everything goes well. Even if I
need to stay longer it wouldn't be more than a week or
two. But right now I'm not changing the original plan.

bye.

love you all
Abah


----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Wednesday, November 3, 1999 12:15:06 AM
Subject: from Aqeelah


asm abah,
we have read your e mail.Don,t panic abah everybody in
Dungun is OK.Ummi is OK Aqeelah OK and Maryam.Don,t
let your boss get angry with you abah and after your
finish work you can come back to Dungun.Everybody
hear want you to be a DOCTOR and we all love you.We
are going back to Kelantan with ustaz Mad.And Ummi
cryed a litlle bit.


----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Wednesday, November 3, 1999 1:35:52 AM
Subject: solat istikharah

asmkm dear,
how's everything going on?i've just read your msg but not quite sure...have you got
the report fr the examiners...is it a major correction you have to do or what...
i've told aqeelah that you rang earlier saying that you're coming back in dec and
surprisingly she's very u/standing...we're very lucky to have her as our daughter...

yes it's true that i was in tears...while i was putting maryam to bed she was
writing that letter and when i came out i couldn't hide my red eyes(and she's very
concern)...actually i was thinking of you...i really pity you...after all those hard
work you deserve to get a good report and pass wothout anything major to be
done...we've gone all out ,sacrificing everything...and now isn't it over yet...
darling,
i don't actually know the real sit'n but if you really have to stay there a bit
longer go ahead...don't worry about us...IA i can manage...believe me...after all
those long hard years i'm used to it now...and i think the girls are like that as
well...we just want you to be done...if you think by staying there you can finish
your work,then stay...if you don't want to stay b'coz of us,think again...again i'll
say don't worry about us....if you can manage to get things done before christmas
break,then stay...if you think the progress will be very slow if you're working in
m'sia,then stay....whatever your decision is please solat istikharah...jgn buat
decision terburu2...belajarlah dari previous exp'nces...minta petunjuk dari
Allah...hanya Dia yg maha tahu apa yg terbaik utk kita...ummi & anak2 akan sentiasa
berdoa utk abah...your success is our success...tiada apa yg lebih bernilai yg akan
abah bawa balik selain drp kejayaan itu...itulah yg kami tunggu
selama ini...you have to consider jugak,kat m'sia ni byk faktor2 luar lagi yg akan
'mengganggu' fikiran...you have to be very berdisiplin...kena janjilah tu...
now regarding the flight...if you're coming back as the original plan you have to
reconfirm your flifgt at least 72 hrs before dep.(3 days)...i don't have virgin's
no. but mas adalah i.e 0171 341 2020...if they can't do it ask for virgin's no. fr.
them. daan satu lagi ialah flight fr klia-kb...ummi boleh confirmkan...kalu boleh
abah bagi booking/resv'n no(ada dlm itinerary dok sekali dgn tiket tu)...daan kalau
abah jadi balik kena cakap juga sbb ummi nak minta cuti monday tu...if not mungkin
kena dtg dgn ustaz juga sunday,so tak perlu cuti monday...
again i'm telling you,don't worry about us...as long as ada org jaga maryam tak
apa...sek. pun cuma ada 2 minggu aje lagi..lps ni cuti...kalau the big girls tu tak
nak balik kgpun sue dah kata dia nak dtg...as for me,i can go with anita,everyday
pun tak apa dia kata...pagi2 dia mesti pergi hantar anak gi nursey,t/hari mesti kena
balik ambil anak sek dan ptg dia akan pergi semula & balik 4.30 utk ambil yg kat
nursey tu...
for your info...sek cuti 18/11,puasa start early dec,raya 9or 10 Jan and schools
reopen 13 Jan.
setakat nilah dulu celoteh kali ini...hope to hear again fr. you soon.
we miss you and we love you very much,
ummi and the princesses
1.30am


----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Wednesday, November 3, 1999 5:00:56 PM
Subject: flight

asmkm darling,
hope you're in the best of everything...alhmd we're all ok here...don't worry too
much about us...the 3 of us are ok fine in dungun...and the other 2 in wb pun
alhmd...ummi ring them everyday...don't worry...they're fine and happy there...i'm
worried about you...always pray that e/thing will be ok IA He will be with
us...doalah byk2 semoga Allah tak bebankan kita dgn bebanan yg tak saggup kita
pikul...dan sekiranya kita diuji semoga kita bersabar menahannya...bagi ummi semua
yg Allah buat ada hikmhnya...ummi akan terus bersabar dan terus berdoa...
i've just made the resv'n to kb...IA kalau plan tak berubah abah akan tiba di klia
on mon 8/11 at 6.25 pm...so the next flight to kb is at 10.30 arriving at
11.20...flight no mh1426 confirm.
kak long is doing very well at school...semua markah dah tahu except maths...she did
surprisingly well in jawi dpt 100%,98 for Eng.(dia patut dpt 100 tu)...not too bad
in bm &agama i.e 80+. ..maybe today dpt tahu no.berapa...tak sabar ummi nak
tengok...
besok kami balik in the morning...ustaz kata around 9(pukul 1 pagi waktu england) by
tommorrow afternoon IA kami di wb.
ok dulu...kalau ada apa2 ummi will write again...keep on checking...kalau boleh
before balik tu check e-mail sekali lagi...mana tahu kot2 ada last minute msg...at
the moment ummi akan ambil cuti hanya utk monday 8/11...by tues dah kena masuk
kerja...boleh ke macam tu?kalau tak boleh pls let ummi know so that i can take one
more day...
ok darling...itu dulu.
i love you so much
ummi and maryam

----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Wednesday, November 3, 1999 9:59:34 PM
Subject: one more from aqeelah

asmkm
Abah have you seen the other letter i sent. Have you made up your mind abah ? Did
you know cikgu saya said i got nomber six with Rabbani. Are you going to give me a
present .Izzah got nomber twenty four with Wan Muhammad Hanis.
----- Forwarded Message ----
From: salwana hassan
To: salwanan@yahoo.com
Sent: Wednesday, November 3, 1999 10:09:12 PM
Subject: addresses


asmkm dear,
baru2 ni there were a few letters to be posted,they put them in the
envelopes but w/out the add...so now i'm giving you the add...keep them
until you need them...sbb lps ni bila balik kg maybe i can't write as
often as i'm doing right now...
kaneesha : 172 old heath rd, co2 8aq
melissa : 214 old heath rd, co2 8au
itu aje rasanya.

till then,


lots and lots of love from,
ummi,aqeelah & maaryaam
----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Salwana Nordin
To: salwana hassan
Sent: Wednesday, November 3, 1999 11:10:12 PM
Subject: Re: one more from aqeelah


--- salwana hassan wrote:
> asmkm
> Abah have you seen the other letter i sent. Have
> you made up your mind
> abah ? Did you know cikgu saya said i got nomber six
> with Rabbani. Are
> you going to give me a present .Izzah got nomber
> twenty four with Wan
> Muhammad Hanis.
>

ASM love,

yes I have read the other letter. but i miss you sooo
much that I have to go back and see you. That's great
.... you got number six. brilliant. what do you want
for your present ? something from england. Tell Izzah
to try harder, she should get better results next
time. What about hamizah? Ok have a nice journey to
wakaf bharu. Baba will be home by sunday IA.love to
ummi ,ifah,una and maryam.

Abah

From: salwana hassan
To: Salwanan@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, November 4, 1999 8:53:16 AM
Subject: balik kg


asmkm love,
it's quite early in the morning,everybody's ready incl
aqeelah...actually we're waiting for ustaz...yesterday he told me that
we'll be leaving early...so dia suruh pergi ITM dgn dia...i'll bring
aqeelah along & he'll bring his children as well...dia tgh sibuk lagi lo
ni...masih menyiapkan thesis(i don't know what thesis)so tonight nak gi
kl lagi tu...minta extend for another week...tak siap binding lagi.
so how are you love?are you really sure that you're coming back this
weekend...whatever the decision is i hope it's the best option...if
you're coming back pls reconfirm your flight...ummi will be happy with
whatever the best for us...if i have to sacrifice, i will...i will do
anything for you and the girls lillah...
nanti bila sampai wb tengoklah...if i have the chance i'll write
again...
that's all...take care
with love from ummi and the princesses


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: salwana hassan
To: salwanan@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, November 4, 1999 8:54:57 AM
Subject: with love to abah


Asm abah ,
I got your message.I want anything from England except barbies.And one
more thing,please promise that you won't marah me .Next time I
will try to get number ONE


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Salwana Nordin
To: salwanan@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, November 4, 1999 9:09:58 AM
Subject: pesanan


abah ummi nak suruh beli coklat kit-kat (or sth like
that tapi store brand)ke and also penguin,coklat
lainpun tak apa juga...lps tu beli juga biskut
digestive...don't forget the polish for the leather
suite
ASM love,

Baba has bought a lot of choc from tesco, sainsbury
and town. I think it's more than enough. Choc ni
fattening you know, so sikit2 cukup.

love from Abah


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Salwana Nordin
To: salwanan@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, November 4, 1999 11:18:53 PM
Subject: best to balik ....


ASM love,

I think it's best for all that Abah goes home. Not
only that I cannot afford it here ,it is also not
necessary. I will try to finish it back home,
InsyaALlah I can do it. Being here alone is an
unbearable burden for Abah. I know now why Aqeelah has
never seen me cry, because I have no reason to. But
now I couldn't read the emails without tears. sebab tu
jarang balas .... malu kat orang kiri kanan dalam lab
ni. Today is okay sebab orang tak ramai. can hide
behind the monitor. may ALlah help us all.

love
Abah


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Salwana Nordin
To: salwana hassan
Sent: Thursday, November 4, 1999 11:22:20 PM
Subject: Re: with love to abah


--- salwana hassan wrote:
> Asm abah ,
> I got your message.I want anything from England
> except barbies.And one
> more thing,please promise that you won't marah me
> .Next time I
> will try to get number ONE
>
>

ASM love,

don't worry you are already number ONE to me. and
you'll always be number ONE. be good and help ummi
okay.

love,
Abah


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: "Abu-Bakar, Nordin"
To: "salwanan@yahoo.com"
Sent: Friday, November 5, 1999 2:19:10 AM
Subject: FW: thanks



----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Salwana Nordin
To: salwanan@yahoo.com
Sent: Saturday, November 6, 1999 1:50:42 PM
Subject: from wakaf bharu


askm love...
how are you dear...evrybody here is fine...it's 1
o'clock (a/noon)...maryam & una are sleeping...kaklong
pergi kedai nenek & ifah is watching TV...ummi dtg
kedai kat wisma ni sorang aje...miss abah sgt ni sbb
tu ummi call tadi...nak cakap tulah...cukuplah beli
coklat...brg2 yg tinggal kat rumah abu naif tu byk sgt
ke...kalau boleh bawalah balik semua...kalau tak boleh
nak buat macamana...hari tu kan byk bawak beg...cdng
nak isi brg2 tu...apa yg abah shopping byk sgt
ni?...pandai2lah berbelanja...don't spend too
much...bill yg br.mohd bayarkan tu abah dah settle
ke?clear all the bills and hutang 1st,then you can
spend ...tupun don.t finish all the $...dan ummi hope
abah tak byk sgt 'menenyeh'...tadi tu ummi cakap ttg
'fairy godmother' yg abah beli for kaya's b/day...hari
tu ada sb tanya(I can't remember whether it's una or
ifah) b'coz i can remember you promise to buy for her
b/day...that's why kalau ada chance ummi suruh
beli...kalau tak dpt tak apalah
btw nak tanya abah byk duit ke tu...kalau duit ada byk
ummi teringin nak pakai jam accurist...yg style macam
abah i.e with rotating bezel...kalau kat argos tu
around 30 quids ...dulu berhajat nak pakai bila abah
dah jadi 'dr'...that's why ummi tanya ada byk duit ke
tidak...kalau kena tenyeh tak payahlah... kita beli
bila ada duit nanti sbb now nipun bukannya desperate
nak jam ...yg ada lo ni pun masih boleh
pakai...mungkin boleh beri masa 10th anniversary
nanti????
duit budak2 byk lagi ke?ummi dok fikir kalau abah
still nak climbing frame tu abah order jugak dgn
argos(mmg kena orderpun) tapi bagi alamat tajul,so brg
tu will be delivered to him...nanti boleh dia ship
sekali dgn brg dia(macam imran buat tu)...tupun kalau
abah fikir patutlah...kalau tak tu tak
payah...tajulpun dah dekat nak balik kan?
whatver you do,bereskann dulu urusan2 abah...benda2
lain ni sampingnan aje...kalau jumpa 'kawan2' ummi
kirim salam byk2lah...nailah,auntie,fadhilah & the
others...and don't forget if you go to mahfuzh's
,kirim salam dari ummi and anak2 to his wife and
anak2...
itu ajelah dulu for this time
satu lagi...surat2 yg abah bawa tu dah pos ke...surat
for kaneesha,melissa,carol,mrs webb,cellnet & mana2
lagi(ummipun tak ingat)...dan change of address to
banks
ok ya darling...see you on monday...
we miss you soooo much...una dah start tanya 'where's
Abah...i miss him....'


till then....
love from ummi and princesses aqeelah,ifah,una &
maryam

ASM love,

It's really good to hear from you. I miss you so much.
Jumpa budak nigeria (halijah?) dia kirim salam ke
ummi. nailah tak sempat jumpa, cuma uncle siddique dan
osman saja masa sembhyng jummaat. they all send salaam
to ummi and aqeelah,ifah and una. sempat drop by
kaya's house. say hello and bagi coklat.they were very
happy and surprise to see me. everybody is missing
aqeelah and ifah. tentang duit tu insyALlah adalh
sikit dari refund tu (625 pounds) .cuma check belum
clear lagi jadi kena tenyeh lah dulu kemudian bayar
kedian. baba masukkan dalam account barclays. jam ummi
and fairy godmother tu insyALlah akan baba usahakan.
Baba rasa climbing frame tu biarlah dulu, a bit too
expensive I think. Duit budak2 tu biar dok kat situ,
insyaALlah we can save it for better use in the
future.

that's all. i'll be leaving colchester tonite (sat
night).so i don't think i'd be able to read any more
emails.bye for now.

love and kisses for ummi and the girls.

Abah

you want to go where everyone knows your name ...

It has been a while since I was away from the serenity of sura hujung. The beautiful beaches along jalan pantai has constantly got my heart longing for a holiday. Maybe once again I can draw the faces in the sand or stroll by early in the morning. The kids can run up and down playing with the waves once more. Feeling so miserable at the office or at home with the neighbors. People are just different. Maybe I need time to adjust but the thing is just so painful. Even having tea break with the gang is different. There is no gang here! I haven’t come across people going for tea. Not that these people are more hard working than the rest of us. They disappear and reappear every now and then. The case now you see me now you don’t. Things are physically hard here in all aspects of life. It does not only seem hard and difficult; it IS hard and brutally difficult. But still we see people come streaming in from all places in the country to taste life in the city; just like myself, I supposed. I have been here once before and as far as I am concerned life was much much livelier back then. The simplicity of rural living could not be compared by any standards here. It is the best !. People may seem poor in the village but rich with humane and humanity. I guess I don’t have what it takes to be a city dweller. I am not sure myself but I know where I am supposed to be and would be in the future….back in a small town like Dungun.

My transfer to Shah Alam thought by many as a promotion. I could not emphasize enough that it is not a promotion and it has never been intended as one and I am pretty damn sure it is not one. I was going for different environment as seeing myself enjoying too much and doing nothing with my area of research. It was my intention to come and grow in my field of study but after a few years here I am not sure myself if this place is any better.. I will give sometime to myself to adjust and look around maybe I will find a spot to raise a flag and say “ OK. I am here!”.

I remember that by the second week after the move, we were thrown out of the house that we just rented We just could not come to agree with the tenancy agreement proposed and the owner was not prepared to budge. I guess the days when you moved in and out of the rumah sewa have long gone. People are getting very sophisticated with terms and agreements. Coming from remote village, I’ve kind of forgotten that sweet smiles and humble conversation have no reservation here. Everything must be formal and documented and signed. So there we were, out in the street looking for another place to stay. Not that there is no other houses in Shah Alam, but we need another thing, money. People don’t smile to you without money, literally speaking. What have this society come to be ? So modern and complicated that we forget the root of human existence. Maybe I am in the wrong circle seeing the values that contradict every single principle that I live for. I guess my big task now is to find friends or people that believe the similar philosophy.





Some people say the first impression tells the whole story. I could not agree more. When I first reported duty on June the 1st, 2004; they could not give me a room. Being in UiTM for so many years I kind of understand the situation. Space is limited and with hundreds of lecturers I can really imagine the proportion of the problems. People will hang on to their rooms like a lion defending his territory. I guess it is human nature to fight for a little space to move about, to breed and raise a family. A lion will hunt down any intruder that comes into the territory and defend it with his life. That is the basic instinct in nature. Even human will do the same if being pushed to the limit. However, the mind and the knowledge that shape that mind has made us act rationally. We think about consequences , the good and evil of our actions. We see people around and realize that they are part of our life whether we like it or not; whether they like it or not. Sometime we bump into each other and still remain a complete stranger. I know you from somewhere but could not recall the name. The time has made us so insensitive of each other. Not in any moment that we can sit down and relax other than thinking of rushing here and there to beat the traffic or getting in front of the queue.


The date was 8th September 2004 and for the first time since I came to this place, I feel welcomed and accepted. I am one of “us” now. Perhaps those having the same experience would feel the greatness of such a feeling. There was no ceremony or anything like that but it was one of those days where you converge to a point that meet you with the right people and having the right conversation during a perfect mood of the day. And of course we all enjoy the moment. Maybe others do not realize this magnificent point of time except myself. It was rather important to me that now I can move on and proceed with other things. Being alienated at work, or at any other places for that matter, is the worst challenge that one might have to face. As in Cheers, “you want to go where everyone knows your name”.I guess it is human nature to be accepted by friends and colleagues as part of our social consciousness. After four years here in Shah Alam, I can see my family and I are settling quite nicely. My daughters,Aqeelah, has just finished her SPM and busy trying to find a new place of study. Nabiela is very comfortable at her school in Besut, Terengganu.;and Ariefah, likes her school in Shah Alam and fast making good friends as well as good grades. My other children, Maryam and Ahmad, are enjoying their times at the school. I am not sure whether they learn anything there but for now it is good to know they are comfortable. My wife is getting herself busy with her PhD and I believe it will take some time to get into the rhythm and all, like myself, she will get there eventually. All praise be to Allah for giving us the strength and courage during all those times. So, as Anwar is out trying to form a new government, Obama swept everyone off their feet and book himself a place at the oval office, I myself seek a brighter and healthier future ahead. My age has gone past 40-year-old mark and keep thinking of what have I done for all those years of living. What is it really the thing that matters the most? Am I happy? Satisfied? Fulfilled? Accomplished? At the end of the day I realize that healthy body is so precious that nothing else matters. But again, it is a daunting task to keep the body fit. With extra fat hanging around, I have a long way to go.

Followers