It’s serenely quiet this morning; as if, everything around me is feeling blessed with the start of this holy month. I was supposed to read a dua through the PA this morning but did not feel like doing it for reasons that I did not know myself. Sometimes you feel awkward in the morning and needs a bit of time to warm up. But things at the faculty are not rejuvenating at all lately. The work , the people and the things we do seem to be getting more difficult and complicated, day by day. I don’t see any resolution in the near future; and believe me, I feel it in my bones. Let’s talk more about it later. Today is the start of new opportunities to redeem myself for the worthy of rahmah, maghfiroh and free from hellfire. A good sign is that I feel good, healthy and energetic to accept the challenges that will come with this Ramadhan. I want to feel the impact of what I do instead of just routine rituals that we went through every year. It’s gonna be my 40th Ramadhan (started to fast at the age of 7 or 8) this year and that is a lot of Ramadhans to be contemplated with. I think my real Ramadhan started only 5-6 years ago when I really felt the joy and the blessings in solat and fasting. I notice that I will gain more khusyu’ in solat and ‘feeling full’ in fasting when I do away with all the ‘food rituals’---such as thinking what to buy later for iftar, what should I have today or does my kitchen have this or that for iftar. It’s difficult, I know, because we always associate fasting with food to entertain our body and mind for the next 7/8 hours. When the mind is busy or occupied with the ‘ food thing’ then how can it will be ready for something that is more rigorous such as solat or reading al-quran. It will be a mighty task and that will eat up your khusyu’ and fasting energy. I will eat my normal food when I get up every morning which is toasted bread and a glass of milk---so that’s my sahur for Ramadhan. And later for iftar will take my usual dinner---and that goes for everyone in the house. I usually skip lunches so no food at mid-day is quite normal for me. Sometimes on a bad day I would sneak to the kitchen for a quick lunch but that did not happen so often—I am a diabetic and lunch would mean the body will go into a sleep mode for the rest of the afternoon.
As a diabetic, Ramadhan is
very special indeed. It’s the time when my body feels healthy most of the
time---tired but healthy. The trick is that not to take the pills during sahur
but later on(during iftar) instead. Some of the pills will make you hungry and
unless you take something in, the body will shiver and your tummy growls
terribly---so I just take the risk not to follow the doctor’s advice. So far I
survived with it. Without food a diabetic would also suffer emotional stress. This
is also true and happened to me where I would get strangely upset with
everybody. You feel like eating the person that triggered your anger—and the
world will be upside down for a few minutes until it will be finally settled
with a glass of water and some sweets. So in Ramadhan the mind and body should
be trained to manage the hunger properly. It’s all in the mind really, you can
do it. I have done it with the support especially from my wife and kids whom would
understand why Abah sometimes yelled to the cats. Talking about diabetes, I
remember my arwah Ayah who suffered it all through his life and we kind of
getting used to his vulnerable emotions. It was a terrible memory, though, as
the disease worsened towards the end of his life. Once he was so mad he punched
through a wall and made a big hole. Sometime he lost his memory and went naked
at the hospital; everyone just laughed at him with his ass exposed. I remember
went through the crowd to pick him up and when someone asked, I answered---yes
he is my Ayah (Ayoh ambo la ni…). Never once felt ashamed or anything because
he was my Ayah and I loved him. And now I am missing him terribly. He passed
away in Ramadhan 2001. May he be among the soleheen and muqorrobeen.
My thoughts and prayers go
to the people of Egypt who died during the bloody fajr and their families. They
go into Ramadhan without their loved ones with uncertain futures and
anticipated horrors. The pains and agony are unimaginable and makes one wonders
why such a thing happen to them. Could it happen to us as well? God forbid.
