a day at the office

Another day ended at the office. Not that busy, I must say, but a few dropped by for various reasons. Briefed the Dean for meeting and bengkel I attended the last few days. And those were important stuff so I am proud of myself for being able to manage them quite handsomely. So far I am doing okay and can still control myself not to unleash the beast in me. I hope I would never have to do that but who knows sometime the inevitability will eventually come around. Working with students is great. I’ve never imagined that I would be given this opportunity again after all these years. I mean I used to work with students when I was  a young lecturer back in the 90s in Dungun. I spent hours with them organizing events and making trips. Back then it was work, I mean extra work beside going to classes and conducting programming labs but somehow I never complained of anything. When I recalled those times, I realize now how lucky I was for being given the task with the students. They were precious moments that we captured together. Unfortunately I don’t have any photo or videos of any of those events and beautiful times with my students---because for me it was part of my duty as a lecturer, so naïve. Maybe this time it is my second chance to do it better--- to capture every moment spent with a snap or detailed document. Yep, I have been doing exactly that but so many of them already and I just could not keep track where the photos are and who I was with. I guess now things are a lot different as the students are a lot younger than me—most of them are as the same age as my first or second child. As a father figure I see them differently now more than before. I understand better why they make mistakes and I know what to say now to make them realize their mistakes. My primary concern now is to reach out to every single one of them and get to know them better. It’s gonna be very interesting, I think, hopefully I won’t face the brutal ones. But again those would be the most interesting lot.

Met the counselor recently and she briefed me on the psychological status of our students. And these youngsters are unbelievably naughty. I just could not imagine the pretty faces are so wild…when day turns into night. As if, I am entering a whole new world when the story unfolded . As a  lecturer , I would never have a chance to know this…didn’t really care to be honest. But now how could I not really care? They are my students apparently. Someone has to do the dirty job and dig in for something. I will think of something don’t worry about it.

Generally the shadow of previous TD is still here. Students as well as staff are missing the dynamism and happy-go-lucky nature of our previous TD. The usual noise and laughter was not around anymore. This has made my job a bit difficult; because I am not a joker and prefer to remain silent when working. But it’s more like having a new stepdad around the house. The feeling of “aaarrrgghhh---what now??” is visible every now and then. I can’t be and act like him, I am me and that’s it. I am sorry that you miss him but I am here now and I have work to do so please excuse me. I will take it slowly and be patient as much as I can but sometimes things are difficult to handle. I hope time will heal and people can accept me “ se adanya”.

2013....

The year 2012 went  away quietly from us last night. It has been like that for as long as I remember; we never celebrate new year. I mean even if you spent munajat for the celebration you are still celebrating the coming of the new year...so where is the difference from other celebrations? Some people just got carried away with all these and tried very hard to do something different only to end up doing the same thing. Celebration is still a celebration no matter how you color it.... I remember during my bujang days, went to KL for the celebration with a friend and I just regret it for doing that; did not really enjoy the party and whatever they did over there at Dataran Merdeka. Went for the sake of going and wish I had never done that. But you know things happened and as a bujang guy you did a lot of mistakes. Life goes on and you keep faith that Allah will forgive you.

Anyway, the year 2012 had seen many great successes in my family. The kids were very successful with their studies Alhamdulillah, two of them ,Ifah and Una, started their  first year study and Maryam has just finished form one at a boarding school. We are praying for my beloved wife to finish her Phd soon. She will do it insyaALlah, I have no doubt. And myself have gone through a serious transformation inside out. I don’t know what happened but it just happened. For the first time I accepted the fact that I am diabetic, hypertensive with a heart problem. A complete package to  get you six feet under. But I did not let them get me down as yet; I got the bull by the horns and took control. I know I’m not healthy anymore but I feel healthier and happier than before. I live my life a day at a time and really trying very hard to accomplish something for every moment that has passed by. I don’t care what others say, I am tired of that---living other people’s life. Well at my age nobody cares what you do anyway so things are a bit easier for me. At the office things were looking up as well; not as I expected it but had a chance to do new things and met interesting people. I wanted to do research in my area; that’s all. I never had an ambition to get involved in administration. But for some reasons, in the middle of 2010,a small and remote admin post  was available---no one was interested obviously, so I took that up. It was not that bad actually, the fun part was to have new friends within a very close-knit community of coordinators. I blended in very fast and very well. But due to restructuring of that unit  I was terminated and sent back to the faculty. The timing was correct, I supposed, because by the time I was sent back they were looking for a new head of department at the faculty. Well that’s a bit out of my league and just brushed aside the idea of being one. But then in one of the meetings I was nominated, I was confused and shocked and didn’t say anything---even did not reject the nomination. And as they say...the rest is history.

I took up the post because I know now that I want to serve people. Research is great but to stick to your own interest and abandon public interest is a selfish act. I am not doing that great with research anyway, let’s be real and to hope for a bigger grant and good results are something too much for me right now. And so far things are manageable although the responsibilities are endless.

2013 will be a challenging year for me. I can see dark clouds are forming and moving towards me. I hope it would not be a nasty fall. For the first time I feel it’s okay to be wet---even soaking wet. For some reasons, I am ready for this. May Allah show me the way and give me strength to soldier on.